Cheater on Dr. Phil Opens Can of Worms

Poly people usually dislike cheaters, and resent being lumped in with them. A Natural Push reacted to a Dr. Phil show on “negotiated infidelity.”

In a perfect scenario, this would involve a couple who would have full-communication between one another (which should occur in any relationship), with certain boundaries erected to allot for external lovers or full relationships. Of course, to Dr. Phil - any infidelity is simply cheating, regardless if this formula works for the couple in question, or not. Polyamorous (meaning, "multiple loves") lifestyles aren't for everyone, nor should they be - especially not the couple that was being interviewed and given "therapy".

Cheating is breaking an agreement with a current partner. She explains there was a couple on the show where the man was cheating on his wife, and how that is misrepsented as open relationships or polyamory because the husband wants to negotiate new conditions to the marriage. These terms are not all synonymous. That is why there are different terms. Cheating, like I said, involves violating an agreement with a current partner. Polyamory involves full consent of all involved. Some poly relationships are open, some are not. Painting poly relationships as cheating is one way the freedom to marry is denied to polycules, or relationships where more than two people want to marry.

Linda, Melissa, and Matthew love each other and spend time together as a group, or two of them will spend time alone, and that is the core of their relationship. But that doesn’t mean none of them is ever with anyone else, and I’m glad for that. They don’t hide anything from each other, though.

Yes, We Can

Over at Loving More Than One, we see that yes, we can get along.

I think it's a natural course in most instances for one person to love more than the other person (whether monogamous or polyamorous). Or at least it easier for one person to show and express that love more easily. One seems to always give a bit more than the other (sometimes quite more than a bit). One is usually more secure than the other.

This is along the lines of what I think about when someone is against intergenerational relationships between adults, whether consanguineous or not. The excuse used to object to someone else finding love is that there is a difference in power and life experiences. But there are very few, if any, relationships where that isn't a reality. One person usually has seen more of the world than the other, or has better emotional coping skills, or more money, or more friends, or more family, or more status, or any number of other traits or resources.

Polyamory requires some sense of self worth. It requires not having the mentality of win-lose situation. It requires the ability to see a win-win situation. It means not seeing other relationships your loved one may have as competition.

Ding ding ding!

If you realize that you are not fine with what you stated, there is nothing wrong with explaining this to your partner and dealing with it from there. You have to own that you have a part in the pain or issues you are experiencing. That you can’t do blame if your partner was told this was ok.

Feelings may change over time, and it is okay to talk about that.

In all relationships in your life you need to treat each other with the respect and dignity that we are all due. Most specifically from those we trust with our feelings. With those we love and who profess to love us.

Good words to keep in mind.