Polyamory Is Not For Her

Mariana Caplan wrote about some "Zen boyfriends" she had. She recounts one who informed her he was polyamorous, something she hadn't heard of before.

"Are you monogamous?"

I looked at him confused. "Did you ask if I was monogamous?"

"Yes. Are you monogamous?"

"Forgive me if I sound a little stupid or silly, but monogamous as opposed to what?"

"Polyamorous."

"Poly-what?"

"Polyaaaaamorous. It means that your love is not limited to one person. You love freely and unconditionally because that is your nature, but you are not limited to one person or one commitment for the rest of your life. I am polyamorous, and I am interested in having a relationship with you. For now you would be my 'primary partner,' but I would like the autonomy to love, or at least engage sexually with others freely and have 'secondary' relationships with them."

"So let me get this straight. You're saying that if I'm your girlfriend I have to be okay with you sleeping with other women whenever you want to? It kind of sounds like this polyamory is some fancy psycho-spiritual justification for sleeping around."

Actually, a lot of poly people have very clear boundaries. It isn't "anything goes" in most cases. Some are faithful to two lovers, not involving anyone else. Ever.

He can't be for real, I thought. He probably just hasn't found the right woman. If he loves me enough, he'll snap out of it. I dismissed it from my mind, we spent a couple of months falling madly in love, and we were on our way home from our first romantic weekend getaway when he said to me:

"My lover from Spain is moving here to be with me for six months. She is going to be my primary partner now, but I am open to you being my secondary relationship."

"What?!? Are you for real?! I thought we were just starting to fall in love?"

"We were. I mean, we are. But I love her, too. I love everybody. I warned you that this was going to happen. My love is limitless and unconditional and therefore isn't limited to you. I must listen to my heart."

"Are you sure it is your heart talking and not your balls?"

Quite often, it is the heart and the head. Sometimes it is the balls. If it isn't for you, you are free not to be poly. That is the decision she made. But for other people, it is what suits them best. And they should be able to have that.