How Undue Shaming Hurts

Although Elena Kelly now identifies as a female, she was born in a male body. She writes over at Salon of a time in her past when she made a child with a half-sister she first met as an adult.

Even though I was growing to love them all, one half-sister and I hit it off especially well. She was an “out” lesbian, only a little younger than me, and our likes and dislikes, our level of education, and so many of our interests matched that we found it quite easy to talk on the phone for hours and never run out of things to talk about…I stayed at her lovely home near the ocean and we went out a lot, going to the beach, nice restaurants, and just hanging out and talking about how our lives had unfolded. We were completely unaware that we were falling in love…

That event started out as innocent play but it became quite serious and that night we crossed a line we never intended to cross. It was the beginning of so much shame and sadness, as well as untold pain for our families and those friends of ours who truly cared for us and loved us. It was stupid and selfish on our part, and we have both paid an enormous price for the foolish choice we made that night. We were adults (I was 34 and she 33) and that night we slept together and she became pregnant with our daughter.

It sounds like they were so right for each other. It is too bad that American society works to suppress this sort of thing, breaking up a family. There should have been no shame. Without the artificial and arbitrary restrictions of society intruding, they could have been happy together. Instead, they let the intruders break them apart. You can read of the tragic results yourself.

Expectations in shared interests

Another way to show your love to your partner is giving attention to their desires and interests. When something is significant to your partner, it becomes significant to other as well. If a woman loves to cook, her husband might only be interested in eating, but he will get interested in the process of cooking to show his love for his wife.

I am a diet conscious person. Eating fish, chicken and vegetables are my daily eating habits. When I got married, my wife was not into eating this kind of food. She usually does the cooking so it was quite an adjustment for me. I did not annoy her by saying that the food was not great it was delicious though but I was really into eating healthy foods. What I did was to enjoy the food that she served but I also suggested that it would be best if she would add vegetables and fish to her daily menus. I explained to her the health benefits and the importance of having a balanced diet. I showed her how to cook my favorite food and the benefits that our body would have. Now my family enjoys eating vegetables, fruits and meat viands at the same time. My wife got interested more and was willing to read healthy cookbooks.

I had a friend who was inclined in music but did not have time to fulfill it. When his husband ask what was her dreams or interests in life she said it was her dream to play the organ or a piano. Therefore, he convinced her wife to go to piano lessons. She was very excited and playing the organ became a bonding time for them. His husband would sing and their kids would dance to her music.

Sometimes the answers to marriage problems are simple. Ask your partners interests and try to adjust or adapt to their interests. It may not interests you for the moment but if you are willing to go an extra mile for your love to your spouse then it will be a start for building a solid foundation for your marriage. Marriage is not slavery but it involves being a servant to one another to enjoy a lasting relationship, each partners needs and realistic wants should be met and it always works in both ways!