Marriage after saying "I do"

The family is the closest and most tender bond here on earth. It was designed to be a blessing to humanity. It is a blessing wherever the marriage covenant is entered with the fear of God and with due consideration for its responsibilities.

Those who are going to marriage should consider what would be the character and influence of the home they will be making. As they will become parents, a sacred trust and responsibility is chained to them. Upon them depends a great measure of the well-being of their children and solely affects their future happiness. Largely they determine both the physical and moral qualities that these young ones receive.

Before assuming the responsibilities inside marriage, couples to be should have an experience in practical life that will prepare them for their future duties and obligations. For me early marriage must not be encouraged. A marriage is not as easy as saying the word “I do”. It involves great courage to face the real world of marriage. A relation as important as marriage and so extensive is the results that should not be entered with haste and without sufficient preparation. Couples entering marriage should be prepared physically, emotionally and mentally.

As one book have said “Let those who are contemplating marriage weigh every sentiment and watch every character in the one with whom they think to unite their life and destiny.” Consider every step in marriage with humility, sincerity, patience, simplicity, respect and with a purpose to be in God’s guidance.

Marriage when saying, “I do” is just the beginning. The real union of a couple in a wedding is the work of the after years. Husband and wife will learn each other’s character as they stay under one roof. This is the most critical period in a marriage. Irritations and arguments steps in. The happiness and strength of a marriage depends upon taking the right course now. Adjustments must be made and seek positives rather than the defects of your partner. Though differences and discouragements may arise, let not let it be a union of mistake and discouragement. Continue determining to be all that is possible to each other. In every way, encourage each other in fighting the battles of life. Always be there to support and exert every effort to be there for your partner.

Let each couple give love rather than expecting a perfect and exact love. Let them give what they have to give. Learn to uplift and develop each other and be quick to recognize the positive attitudes of each other.”Sympathy and respect encourage the striving after excellence, and love itself increases as it stimulates to nobler aims.”

How To Be In-Love Inside Your Marriage

The words "I love you" how many times do you say it in a day? When you and your partner are busy on kids, job deadlines and friends meetings sometimes a quick "I love you”" can always change anything at the end of the day.

However, sometimes there are persons who are shy and cannot say, “I love you” to their loved one personally. As one saying goes, "There's evidence behind it -- actions really do speak louder than words. If you cannot easily spill out romantic words to your partner these are simple strategies that will send your message loud and clear:

"The best way of expressing love is by knowing what your partner needs and doing it,”. This shows that you listen to him and that his well-being and happiness is important to you. Don’t wait any longer for your partner to say I need this every time your partner will feel a lack of attention and if not fulfilled it will surely lead to despair. The key is to pay attention. For example, if your mate is stressed or loaded on household work, and you are there sitting and watching TV. it is but proper to make an effort to offer help or take on some of her household chores to ease her burden. A thoughtful gesture from a partner is always appreciated no matter how small or simple it is.

An unexpected gift or note saying, “You are special or Thank you” on a card. It shows that you think and care for her and feel connected to him even when you're not together." Simple thoughts can brighten up your partner’s day. No matter how tiring the day is if he feels someone cares for him and gives concerns it will definitely make his day brighter. If you happen to pass by a mall buying a favorite food of your wife or husband like food that will make both of you remember your courtship days will add to the romantic glitters of your marriage.

Once in a while like going for a date to your favorite movie house before you are married or going to the park whatever you have done before that both of you enjoy. Before we got married, my husband and I go always to movies and bowling games. Until now, if we have time we still do it. Surprises always come along with laughter and cheers.

One of the researches says, "Looking into each other's eyes signals you are deeply connected”. Most busy couples, however, manage only quick glances. Take advantage of opportunities for eye contact that last longer than a few seconds do. If you have a dinner date, lock eyes during your conversation. Face each other as you chat in bed before falling asleep. Even when surrounded by others seek out your partner's eyes and make a quick connection.

Quality time is better than saying "I love you" a thousand times. Occasionally, suggest an activity that incorporates one of your partner's interests, even if it does not coincide with your own. Sometimes you can be more bonded with your partner if you set aside your selfish getting his attention thing. Learn to adjust and consider your partners individuality. You are partners but you are different individuals as well. Go with the flow of your partner’s interest also. Loving and learning your partner’s interest is always a part of your marriage bond. My husband is into bowling and I am not into sports. However, giving time for him to teach me the tricks in bowling gave me a chance to appreciate my husband’s interest and it is a good bonding experience.

Physical connection between a husband and a wife does not necessarily mean going to bed romantically. If both of you grow old already the best thing to do is to settle for simple romantic gestures. Holding your partners hands while walking, throwing a big hug and looking into his eyes or just a simple smile with a pat saying “Thank you for being a part of my life” is the real score in a marriage that bonds couples together.

Romantic gestures are not only for women every human needs it and that include men. Marriage always takes two to tango and making and building a lifelong strong relationship always takes two! It does not matter if you are expressive through words or actions. The best thing is making everything to at least let your partner feel that he or she is extra special in your life. It does not matter how simple it is as what they always say, “It is the thought that counts”.

How to shield your marriage against an affair

As I have said in my previous article, no couple is exempted from extra-marital affair. Temptations become stronger when two people are committed to each other. The usual problem with couples is they overlook the warning signs or refuse to accept this signs that indicate possible trouble.

There are five C’s that my wife and I use that you can also do to shield your marriage against an affair. It includes communication, compassion, commitment, courtship and children. Each of these words has a significant role in marriage, which if left ignored will open the door into an affair.

• Communication

For a marriage to work out communication must not only be a quality but also a quantity. Couples often say that as long as we are spending quality time together we will be fine. I diverge this fact; communication also involves a constant one between the partners. It includes sharing your thoughts and feelings to your partner. Through experience partners especially women seeks their husband’s time and attention. Most partners tend to look for someone who can talk and listen to them. Listening and finding someone to talk to particularly when your partner has a burden demands good communication.

• Compassion

When defined in the dictionary it means care, kindness, concern and sympathy to a person. In marriage, it takes two of you to support and care for each other. You have entered into a bond that includes being there and sensitive to the needs of your partner. The more effort you are giving to meet each other’s needs, the less likely will either of you find compassion in others hands outside marriage. Always ask yourself a partner usually seeks for someone because he or she has needs that have not been met.

• Commitment

It is the most important factor to shield your marriage against an affair. Temptation always comes but it is you as a partner points out to make the difference. Commitment on its simplest term is a vow and a promise to be loyal to your partner. Make him or her only one and your one and only for a lifetime. You have solemnly made a vow in front of God and special persons that have witnessed your love for each other.

• Courtship

When was the last time you courted your wife? Most couples after marriage stop courting each other. It is why some couples as years goes by claim that they have lost that loving feeling. Courtship must always be involved in marriage. Never stop doing things to surprise your partner. It is an extra effort on your part always to give her the feeling that she or he is still worth of your attention. It can be verbal like saying, “I love you” or doing simple things like watching favorite movies that you have watched when both of you were still dating. Do things that you know would make your partner feel so special. Give an extra time and effort to boost your relationship. Courtship must not stop after marriage it should be a lifetime process!

• Children

It is the simplest thought to do before doing something to ruin your marriage. My wife and I have always pictures of our children on our wallet and on my office desk. Before attempting to give into temptation, think of the future of your children. Ask yourself, what will happen to my family if I will give in? God gave your children as a gift and they are given by God to make partners bond more and deepen their love for each other. Consider your children first before anything else. When you give in, your children will be the first victim.

As committed partners, always guard yourself on how you deal with people. If your relationship with that person is, much more enjoying and time consuming compared to that of your partner start evaluating. Have your five C’s handy to shield your marriage from affairs. An affair starts as a systematic guide that will lead you to a hole or a trap of lifetime regret. When temptation clock tic tacks, it is time for you to bring it to a stop. When an affair knocks then it is time to say “No”, I will not give in. Always try to visualize on the possible outcome before jumping out from your marriage borderline!

“It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it!”

Marriage is hard if one of the parties is rude, discourteous, inconsiderate and cruel. Nothing is more upsetting if your spouse turns into a hot pot and you become the shock absorber every time he torments you with insults. My wife and I have witnessed couples being separated because the wife have been treated rudely that she felt bitter and she was turning into a person she never wanted to be. Husbands who have left home because their wives always nagged them and yelled at them in front of other people.

I remember my wife’s friend who always complains about his husband. His husband’s colleagues would always go to their home and drink liquor. They would sing loud songs and do the usual stuff of drinking beer until they almost fall asleep. Being a mother, she would always complain about his husband’s behavior of being rude and saying bad words that was eventually affecting their children. It was not already healthy for their kids to see their father almost every day being drunk and saying harmful things against them. At first, it was a verbal abuse but as years goes by the perfect home that they dreamed of crumbled. The husband became an alcoholic and rude that lead him to hurt his wife and children. Finally, my wife’s friend decided to have separate ways, not only for herself but also most especially for her children.

Most men have no idea about the power of their voice. A man’s voice has the power to create and to destroy. His words can be like a sword that wounds or a shield that protects or soothes a wounded heart. On the other hand, the voice of a woman is like a crafted violin that brings out the nicest tune. A right tune that calms the home, but a woman with a harsh voice brings torment to every member of the home.

Talk honestly with your partner if there are issues that should be settled. By all means, settle disputes and lay down every opinion on the table. However, do not let your feelings be weapons of criticism that will destroy your respect and communication to each other. Be calm and try to understand each other’s thoughts. Correct each other in love and avoid useless confrontations. As what I always say, “It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it.”

Housework a day-to-day struggle?

Housework, as harmless as it may seem was categorized as one of the common issues in marriage. Would it be right for men to be doing household chores? Would women be always in charge of housework? How could a simple washing of the dishes or cleaning the toilet be a day-to-day struggle?

In our early marriage, my wife and I shared all the household chores. We did everything together; we are partners in doing the laundry, cooking, washing the dishes, cleaning and ironing of clothes. However, I had taken on a lot more responsibility on office work and my wife would take care most of the housework. Since my wife is also working, she had to do household chores at night. She would work in the bank for eight hours every day and would come home to cook, clean our house and wash the dishes. I know it was very tiring for her, but I could not really help her because I was also working hard. She was doing all right but after awhile, I guess she just physically burned out.

She became easily irritated, angry and upset at times. She began to complain about feeling overloaded and began to have mood swings. My wife would complain on doing housework that was really to be a men’s work like fixing our faucet, painting or carrying heavy loads. After awhile this housework thing became one of our common disputes in our marriage. A simple thing of who will do the laundry would create arguments. It maybe inoffensive as it seems but it is starting to be the beginning of an argument.

My wife and I talked and started to sort things out. We agreed that both of us must take a more active role in home chores. I would wake up early in the morning to prepare for breakfast while my wife would wash the dishes. My wife would be in charge of cooking our dinner because I would come home late from work. When my wife would do the laundry and iron clothes especially on weekends I would do the cooking and washing of dishes. Sundays are reserved for major chores like fixing broken fixtures, painting or shopping for groceries. We make sure that this housework became not an obligation on our part but also a bonding time for both of us.

Communication and proper allocation of time is very important. The division of labor is always based on what is to be done and who is available to do it. I do not care if I do the laundry with my wife or cook sometimes because it is also a chance for me to appreciate what my wife has been doing for years. Doing the laundry will not in any way affect myself-worth of being a man. Handling additional housework is not as demanding on my time and effort as I thought it would be!

Recurring arguments can be habit forming

Every married couple knows that arguments are unavoidable. Arguments are a normal part of marriage. That is because it is not easy living and becoming one with a different person. Each person has flaws and adjustments are to be made for your marriage to work out. When you got married to your partner you agreed to be one so changes in your marriage does not require only one spouse but both of you should work it out. Occasional arguments are ok because it gives out the individuality of a couple but recurring arguments that becomes habit forming is highly unacceptable in a marriage.

I know of a man whose habit is becoming irritated and miserable. He would always see things in a negative way and argues about everything even in good news. He always looks life as a burden and is a misfortune. Because of that, all of the people around him particularly his family were affected emotionally. Recurring arguments can be habit forming and this has been one of their struggles in their marriage. They would shout at each other and even hurt each other in front of people. One of the authors in my favorite book would always say “Nothing makes a marriage feel like hell on earth and nothing is more upsetting or emotional provoking, nothing does more to bring out the worst in us than a marriage where the partners is lacking in common courtesy.”We do not want to be like that man, nor do we want to live with one.

Recurring arguments can be habit forming so the best thing to do is to deal with it immediately. If you would allow having an argument to consistently arise, it will make your marriage miserable. When you deal with an argument talk with a low tone voice and watch your words. “A louder voice can’t get your partners attention, an angry voice always have uglier words, thus leads to more disputes and arguments”.

After discussing both of you must clean up the mess. Be well mannered and accept each other’s differences. Settle the issue and decide what must have to be done in a compassionate and respectful manner. Be kind hearted and wipe each other’s tears after the fight. The best things to do when arguments arise in a relationship learn to say “I am wrong” or “You are right”. Be always humble and love your partner unconditionally that is what couples are partners for a lifetime!

A lovely surprise

I went home last night with a joy in my heart to see my family waiting for me. My wife and two children usually sit outside our door and waits for my arrival. My wife would say that waiting for me to arrive becomes one of their bonding moments. They would sit, sing songs and look at the moon and the stars while waiting for me. When I finally came home, my children would always run to embrace me and tell me were glad you are here daddy! Every day I would come home having something for my kids. I would bring home anything; even little candies can give them always a smile. It is a pretty thing that young children are contented even on the most little things especially if it comes from their father.

My wife would usually kiss me and smile looking at my kids enjoy the food that I have bought them. That night I gave my wife a lovely surprise. I bought her a pasta dish and a drink that happens to be her favorite. She was surprised because I do not usually do that. She asked me why there is an occasion or have you done something wrong? I said, “No it’s just one of my ways to say thank you for being a good wife and a nice mother.” My wife smiled and said thank you for making her day beautiful.

Love always communicates through emotions. Try to understand your partners love language. If you cannot think of a lovely surprise then think of the things that you have done before she said yes to marry you. Did you often give her flowers, letters or a simple text message can make her happy?

We should learn to appreciate our partners and make them feel that they are a special part of our lives. Communication does not always mean to be verbal. Your partner will love you best if you communicate with simple gestures of caring and thoughtfulness. As what I always say, “Courtship must not end after marriage it should remain in a relationship, it is a lifetime process.”

Treat her right!

Hello, it is evening here in our country and I am here sitting trying to relax and recall the activities of this day. I went home tired, hungry and a bit rude to my wife. I said, “Where’s the spoon, fork and will you give me a glass of water, I’m terribly hungry will you give it fast”. My children followed me and demanded the same things to my wife. Focused on my own exhausted day, without knowing I offended my wife. My wife talked to me and said, “Will you pls. be kind enough I am your wife and a mother I am not your waitress. Yes, I can give you all my service because I love you but please don’t try again to rush me in doing things pls. treat me right.” My wife and I talked and settled things right there. I assured her that I love her and I did not mean to hurt her. It was not just an eye opener for me it was an eyes wide shut experience for me.

Let us be honest friends if you did not for once have done this to your wife probably your just denying it! I read a book before about women attitudes to their spouse and I would like to tell you women do not usually express their emotions to their husbands. Your wife does not want to be your mother that sets rules for you to follow. It will surely give her grounds to disrespect you. Your wife does not want to be your little sister that follows your commands like a big brother or worst your wife does not want to be your maid that follows your every command. It will make her feel that you have lost love for her.

“My friends learn to appreciate your wife. Treat her right and I guarantee you she will be your greatest treasure for a lifetime! “

Gaining respect

Good Morning! Just in time for a cup of tea! I have just finished reading my bible and I am more than happy to share to you my thoughts about this bible verse.
“However each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33) I presume that one way or the other once in our married life we have been disrespectful to our partner.

Words like You are late always late when will you ever change! Alternatively, nagging your husband why he came home late, does this ring a bell? Of course, you must have been dishonest to yourself if for once you have not done that. “IT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY; IT’S HOW YOU SAY IT.”

A man usually gives comfort to his family but a rude man can be terrifying and brings fear to his wife and children. A man’s voice has the power to build a home, generate a happy marriage or has the power to ruin and destroy a home it. While a woman must not humiliate his husband no matter how she thinks, he deserves it. Loss of love comes after a loss of respect and the price is too high and serious to a man, than wives realize. My wife and I had known couples who have separated ways because of indiscriminate anger that became the root of bitterness and disrespectfulness of both or one of the partners involved. Shouting in front of many people totally humiliates a person and it is the lowest form of disrespectfulness. Yes guys it is a huge No for a relationship.

If this has already happened to you, and you know you have shown disrespect to your partner,

•Pray and confess it to God today. Forgive if your spouse has done it to you.

•Take action and STOP settling on the negatives. Let your love grow try to search for the positives and reasons on why you married that person in the first place.

•Keep the tone of your voice under control; it is choice a decision you have to make!

•Be slow to speak. Think first. If you have, words that can humiliate that person it would be better not tell him, but if your words are true, enough even though it will hurt that person speak it with love and respect.

•Remember we are created differently so each and one of us has flaws!

•One of our marriage vows is to honor our spouse. In addition, honor means respect and always giving a kind response and controlling the tone of your voice is one of the symbols of respect.

•Moreover, for the end time “IT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT’S HOW YOU SAY IT.”

Expectations in shared interests

Another way to show your love to your partner is giving attention to their desires and interests. When something is significant to your partner, it becomes significant to other as well. If a woman loves to cook, her husband might only be interested in eating, but he will get interested in the process of cooking to show his love for his wife.

I am a diet conscious person. Eating fish, chicken and vegetables are my daily eating habits. When I got married, my wife was not into eating this kind of food. She usually does the cooking so it was quite an adjustment for me. I did not annoy her by saying that the food was not great it was delicious though but I was really into eating healthy foods. What I did was to enjoy the food that she served but I also suggested that it would be best if she would add vegetables and fish to her daily menus. I explained to her the health benefits and the importance of having a balanced diet. I showed her how to cook my favorite food and the benefits that our body would have. Now my family enjoys eating vegetables, fruits and meat viands at the same time. My wife got interested more and was willing to read healthy cookbooks.

I had a friend who was inclined in music but did not have time to fulfill it. When his husband ask what was her dreams or interests in life she said it was her dream to play the organ or a piano. Therefore, he convinced her wife to go to piano lessons. She was very excited and playing the organ became a bonding time for them. His husband would sing and their kids would dance to her music.

Sometimes the answers to marriage problems are simple. Ask your partners interests and try to adjust or adapt to their interests. It may not interests you for the moment but if you are willing to go an extra mile for your love to your spouse then it will be a start for building a solid foundation for your marriage. Marriage is not slavery but it involves being a servant to one another to enjoy a lasting relationship, each partners needs and realistic wants should be met and it always works in both ways!

Expectations in Communication

 When couples marry they usually have big expectations for their marriage and what would their partners be. It is important to deal with expectations in marriage especially during its early years to avoid burning revelations in the latter parts of marriage. Topics like expectations in communication, money,time,romance,attitudes,interest,and loyalty are probably the most sought issues in an early marriage.


COMMUNICATION:

Women usually expect their husbands to be good listeners but researches show that woman is better listeners than man. For wives talking to their partner can increase their stamina and letting go of their stress after a tough day, but husbands do otherwise talking to them is a wear out after a hard day. Research have shown that man find talking as a drain because they come home from home fatigued and tired from work, man likes to hit the bottom-line and not on the details.

What to do?

•Find an activity that fits both of your interests- Every couple should find something a hobby or an activity that you could enjoy sharing. Give or set a time for you and your partner to develop communication. It could be cooking, gardening,sports,biking or walking on the park etc. It is more advisable to have no phones, no TV, no kids no distractions just the both of you. Set a time for rest and enjoyment like bowling or doing things that will refresh you both. Give it a try and see how your bonding moments increase your communication with your partner.

•Try to understand your partners situation- Avoid telling a problem when your partner just got home because he can be tired and stressed from work. Give him time to relax and unwind first before bring up the issue.

•Be a listener and don’t answer until your partner has finished talking.

•Do not respond in anger. It is possible to disagree without quarrelling, always low down your voice. Be careful not to resort to using a loud or rude voice because it can be a form of dishonor or disrespect to your partner.

•When something went wrong forgive each other and forget what has been done be careful not to brought it up again.

•Commit yourselves to grow as a couple. Marriage involves time and commitment it is a commitment to invest time and effort for the success of your relationship. A successful marriage doesn’t takes overnight it is always a process, so give time for it to grow.

Communication doesn’t always mean to be verbal. Your wife will love you best if you communicate with simple gestures of caring and thoughtfulness. Spend time with her even with just a few minutes of a coffee break, sit down with her and listen to her with a smile that will surely make your wife’s day! Or saying a simple thank you when your husband drives you to the grocery or a hug when he comes home from work rather than nagging him and telling your problems on the spot can surely give your husband a big smile at the end of the day!