Pretending at Monogamy

Blogger hambydammit says, "So We Aren’t Monogamous… What Are We?"

From the archaeological, anthropological, sociological, biological, and anatomical records, we get a clear picture of what humans do. They have sex with multiple partners.

Most do, yes.

But this observation doesn’t help us very much in our day to day life. Particularly in America, we don’t have much choice but to toe the party line and at least pretend towards some form of monogamy, even if it’s serial.

We're working to change that.

The blogger poses some questions, including...

If we are designed to bond long-term with one partner (or perhaps two), why does our biology most closely resemble bonobos, who do not bond this way?

If we are designed for sexual exclusivity, why are human vaginas designed specifically for intense sperm competition? (Sperm competition happens when sperm from multiple males is in the vagina at the same time.)

Why do so many existing hunter-gatherer societies practice multi-male/multi-female mating?

Prompting this...

Clearly, our social insistence on strict monogamy is largely attributable to the imposition of modern monotheism on the Western world, and as I’ve detailed in THIS ARTICLE, the motivations were hardly altruistic.

Whatever the source of the demand for monogamy, there's no need to require people to be monogamous, including in marriage law. Let people decide for themselves.

The blog entry goes on to discuss "primitive cultures," sperm competition, and accumulation, among other things before wrapping up that entry...

In any case, even if we decide that monogamy is still our goal, it’s helpful to understand that we are not especially built for it, and it’s as much about ownership as anything else. Knowing that non-ownership is an option is liberating in and of itself, and perhaps it will open new doors for people who feel like they just “aren’t ready for commitment” at this time. Maybe it could even help redefine what it means to have a “friend with benefits.”

There are, of course, many forms of nonmonogamy that involve commitment.

The next entry is "If We’re Not Monogamous, then Why Are We Monogamous?"

To begin with, let me offer a caveat. Whatever else we might be, we humans are very flexible in our mating. Even today, we see everything from communal mate swapping to highly stratified polygamy to near monogamy. And if there is still a question of whether we are most naturally drawn to monogamous long term pair bonds or not, it’s clear that we are capable of long term monogamy. But it is a very difficult strategy to follow, and seems counter-intuitive on several levels.

It sure does.

This entry goes on to talk reproduction, "bastards," and sperm competition (again).

Finally, there's the third entry that asks, "Can Non-Monogamy Work Today?"

The blogger notes that in reality, we already practice nonmonogamy.

Like it or not, strict exclusive monogamy exists primarily in the wishes and hopes of the highly religious and doggedly old-fashioned. (Not that it was any different in the real good old days…) We practice a coy game of
wink-wink-nudge-nudge when it comes to exclusivity. Estimates range as high as
40% for extra-pair coupling in some populations. In other words, we say we’re
going to be exclusive, and then we practice non-monogamy on the sly.

Furthermore, a large percentage of young people are part of the “hookup culture,” in which some sort of sexual contact is a precursor to a possible relationship. They have friends with benefits, booty-call buddies, pretend boyfriends/girlfriends, and at least a dozen other kinds of short-to-medium term non-committed partnerships. It’s not uncommon for a young person to have uncommitted sexual contact with a half-dozen or more partners before finding someone to commit to exclusively. At nearly all ages, we practice serial monogamy. A significant percentage of young people have relationships that last less than one year. Most retirement age people have had at least two marriages,
and several mid-to-long term relationships in between.

Add to this the growing number of committed couples who are participating in
occasional consentual non-monogamy, such as sex clubs, threesomes, sharing
prostitutes in Vegas, making out with the best friend, etc, and we realize that
we are already non-monogamous. We just make a big show of telling everybody we
aren’t.

That sounds awfully familiar.

The blogger looks at various reasons people profess or pretend to try to be monogamous, then concludes...

We have to admit that each aspect of a relationship is possible without sexual exclusivity. Granted, there are potential pitfalls and problems with each category, but that’s not news. There are problems with all of them in exclusive relationships, too.

There is much more to each of the three entries, and they are worth a read.

Polygamy More Ethical?

Don Lee makes a case that "Polygamy is more Ethical than Monogamy.”

He explains that professing monogamy isn’t always matched with actual monogamy.

In Western culture this is generally referred to as either "family friend" or "serial monogamy", neither of which are true monogamy. While being legally married, approximately 80% of all couples experience a sexual contact outside of marriage, and this remains the 2nd largest cause of classic divorce.

It may be cited as a cause in a certain number of divorces, but in a good chunk of those cases, it is not the cause. It may be a symptom. Yes, there are some divorces in which cheating (a physical, emotional, or financial relationship with someone in violation of the agreement with the spouse) is the cause, but I think it is clear to less biased observers that the cheating is a symptom of the real problem leading to the divorce.

The largest cause of divorce is loss of income, itself a revealing indicator of what Western Marriage is really all about.

Moral monogamy is "marriage until death" in most cultures. Legal monogamy is having only one legitimate spouse. These are in no way similar concepts, and in practice are quite diverse. Legally, you can be "monogamous" about nine or ten times, and some people have been married more than a dozen times.

In general (prostitution and consanguineous sex being generally illegal, and thus excluded) a married person having sex with someone other than his or her spouse is not criminalized in the US, though in a few states it can be subject to a lawsuit in civil court.

My point is not just that "serial monogamy" isn't really monogamy, and it isn't, but that many completely happy 30+ year marriages indulge in "private activities" which involve other people. Apart from the roughly 90 million Americans [almost one in three] who are members of sexually-themed clubs, or swingers, there is the harsh reality of cheating. 8.5 in 10 marriages experience infidelity according to most studies. The number ranges from 6 to 9 in 10 depending no the focal group, however the larger the group - the higher the ratio trends! Meaning, the likelihood that more people "cheat" is found to be more significant when studying larger groups.

As I have said before, actual monogamy is a minority behavior.

The chances of a successful marriage are less than 30% by most calculations, and those are odds I would not play even in Vegas.

This is where I think the writer gets it wrong, depending on how one defines “successful.” I suppose it is possible to say that if you exclude all marriages that end in divorce, separation, estrangement, or otherwise experience significant trouble, no matter how long they lasted or what was accomplished during the marriage, you could arrive at this figure. Mostly, though, when emotionally healthy and mature people marry with no prior marriages or other significant baggage (prior children, large debts, serious criminal record, Anita Bryant record collection), the odds of it lasting until death are high. But you do have these people, especially a lot of these types who tend to be against marriage equality, who marry and divorce three or four times, skewing the odds.

Marriage can help. Marriage can enhance a relationship. Many people who have experienced cohabitation without marriage and then with marriage report a difference. Full marriage equality will bring that to others, too, thus improving life for LGBT people and their family members, poly people, etc.

The essay goes on to talk about how being intolerant leads to divorce, and makes a case that men are generally on the short ends of the stick with current marriage laws in the West.

Essentially, we have a primitive legal structure based on outdated morality, which continues to exact life-destroying punishments upon those who have harmed nobody.

Boy, is that ever true!

He goes on to make a case that current laws and programs encourage women to raise children outside of legal marriages.

Now we get to the good part…

Ethically, poly marriages are far more stable, rarely dissolve, and provide enormously well for the children. Allowing people to license a group marriage would ensure long term stability, and make divorce very unlikely to cause emotional harm to the children even when it does occur.

The law should not be enjoined to prevent any class of person from getting married, such as gay people, or mixed race, or people from other nations.

If people want to get married, we should get out of their way and let them.

He writes a bit about the difficulties faced by same-sex couples, before returning to the poly topic.

Yet, there is no news flash about a poly family member killing her kids because she was depressed. The chances that any person in a poly marriage would be so isolated that they could develop a problem that dangerous, and that severe, are remote to the point of ridiculousness. In a poly marriage you're never alone, suffering apart from your mate, or without some conversation. Poly structures actually require communication as a part of existence.

You can't be poly without communicating. It does not work.

Therefore, Polygamous marriages are by definition far more stable and successful than monogamous marriages, because polygamy can't even be started without extensive communication, deal brokering, and long negotiations.

He knows what he’s talking about first hand…

I grew up on a farm with a family that practiced legal polygamy, and I was never abused until my mother pulled away from the family and converted to Christianity. Her abuse put me into a foster home, which cost me my birth family, and also all contact with the rest of that family. I never knew them again. I did not rediscover my roots until I was in the military and dated a young Jewish woman. There, again, I saw the warmth, unconditional love, and large prosperous families that I'd remembered.

This is probably one of the worst kept secrets about Western Judaism, and one that many would probably like me to shut the heck up about, but it's truth. Ethically, there's not only nothing wrong with it, Polygamy is in reality a multitude of times more healthy and successful than Monogamy. Despite being demonized in Christian media, persecuted by law thanks to other religions, and widely derided as abusive for more than fifty years, Polygamy continues unabated, safely, without harm to anyone.

After explaining that polygamy isn’t inherently harmful to women, he goes on to get more broadly philosophical.

With as much as I quoted, there’s a lot I didn’t. Go read the whole thing.

If it could be conclusively proven that polygamy was generally better than monogamy, I still wouldn’t discourage monogamy. That’s because I believe in full marriage equality, in which people make their own choices about their marriage, or whether or not they will marry at all, or whether they will stay married. It is too bad more people who tout monogamy can’t extend that kind of respect to poly people.

Yahoo Answers Compares Poly and Faux Monogamy

The question asked…

Wouldn't honest polyamory/polygamy be better than constant, hidden cheating that involves lies?

I live in the United States. All over the world there are many people who cheat on their partners. I don't think monogamy truly works for most people. I think people go along with monogamy and then secretly cheat because very few people can truly have sex with only one person their whole lives.

I think the truly monogamous are a minority. Whether one includes “serial monogamists” in the “monogamy” category or “the rest,” consider that “the rest” includes unattached people who have having sex with more than one person one-on-one, or in threesomes or group sex; attached or married supposedly monogamous people who are cheating physically or emotionally, unmarried couples who have threesomes or swap, or swing; married couples who have threesomes or swap or swing; married people who have “don’t ask, don’t tell” side affairs or are on the down-low or have open marriages; unmarried people with polyamorous situations, and married polyamorists (including polygynists, polyandrists, and group polygamists).

See this map of nonmonogamy.

There is no one-size-fits-all, which is a good reason to support full marriage equality. Let people truly have the freedom to decide for themselves.

Doesn't it make more sense to stop the lies and the hiding and just be polyamorous, than to keep lying and hiding in monogamy and cheat?

It is my belief that the real wrong and problems is not the sex, but instead, the lies, deceit, the hiding, the pretending, and the games.

I agree.

What do all of you think is truly the solution to eliminating most of the cheating and the lies all over the world?

I don’t believe full marriage equality would eliminate cheating. I do think it would reduce it. The legal and social freedom to be true to oneself would reduce the number of people in the closet or in denial.

Jace Gordon…

I am a gay guy in a three-way relationship. (Most gay men don't agree with me doing this.)

My partners love each other, and I share love with both of them. Our relationship is remarkably stable because we trust each other.

Sounds good.

An Advantage of the Polygamous Over Monogamous

From a study that appears in the journal BMC Evolutionary Biology, we find out some interesting news out of the Centre for Evolutionary Biology, University of Western Australia.

The team discovered that sperm from polygamous mice are better competitors in the race for fertilisation.

As always, this may or may not be applicable to human beings.

Dr Renee Firman and her team attempted to show that sperm from rival males compete to fertilise females and that, over several generations, polygamy can select for mice who produce more sperm, with stronger motility, than monogamous males.

The study found that while 53 per cent of the litters had mixed paternity, 33 per cent of litters were fathered by the polygamous males compared to 14 per cent by monogamous males.

And whether they were mated first or second, polygamous males retained this advantage, showing that the increased fitness applies to both offensive and defensive competition.

Depending on the causation, if someone wants children they may be better off practicing polygamy, and someone who doesn’t want children may find an advantage in monogamy instead of polygamy. Or maybe the more fertile are more likely to practice polygamy? As a reminder, I am not against monogamy. I am a firm believer that each person should be free to pursue celibacy, monogamy, polyamory, or polygamy (in whatever form).

Someone Not Poly Tries to Understand Poly

This blogger doesn’t get polyamory, but writes about the topic thoughtfully, instead of claiming to know that poly people and poly relationships are defective.

The truth is without any experience of my own, I don't know whether poly is more of a choice or more of a way you are. I think it would be insulting if I tried to make a judgement on that, because I really have no idea. I will say that some people seem to be more suited for poly than others. I would imagine to have a good poly you must have really good communication skills, a great ability to manage jealousy and a strong sense of self-confidence.

Of course, those things are probably required for a good monogamous relationship, but somehow I imagine having more than two people somewhat cranks it up a notch.

There was a comment left by Polyamory Paradigm…

Personally, I have a hard time thinking of Polyamory as a sexual orientation. Mainly because I know hetro, bi, and gay people who are poly which indicates it can't be a sexual orientation.

A better question in my mind is whether Polyamory is a general orientation or a lifestyle. But again, you can be in the D/s lifestyle and be hetro, bi, gay and still be Poly.

As someone who has been Poly my whole life I have a hard time living monogamously. I simply can't find it in myself to restrict my feelings when I strongly connect with someone. (I'm not talking strictly about sex either). For me, the freedom to love at will is inherent in my being. For others I know, Polyamory has been a conscious choice. I think either way, and even monogamy, is just fine if that's what makes you happy.

You don't have to like the relationships other adults have. You don't have to understand them, though if you want to try there are plenty of us who will be happy to explain things. But even if you don't like or don't understand, please support the rights of others to love, sex, and marriage.

Cheating and Nonmonogamy

Omgrey argues that there would be less cheating if polyamory and other forms of negotiated nonmonogamy were consciously adopted by more people, and looks at the “That doesn’t work.” charge.

Perhaps it is monogamy that doesn’t work. Certainly not for everybody. That said, alternative lifestyles like Polyamory don’t work for everyone either. Couples are like snowflakes: no two are alike. What works for one couple may not work for another. There is not a magic tool that will fix all marriages, but it helps to have as many tools in your toolbox as possible; that is, if your goal is to have a healthy, happy marriage.

Let people decide for themselves.

Perhaps the greatest problem with the monogamy model is that it does not leave room for personal growth and personal satisfaction. The monogamy model shows us that once you are married you stay married…or you get divorced. Or, of course, you cheat. But then, you are no longer monogamous.

I disagree in that I believe that there are people who experience personal growth and personal satisfaction within monogamy. I would agree that monogamy provides more restrictions to these ends.

What happens if someone finds mutual attraction with another, outside of a committed relationship?

So. What are your choices? Deny your own desires, or worse, your heart if you’ve fallen “in love”? This can mean to emotionally castrate yourself, which can actually cause physical ailments.

Your other choice, the one that has become far too common in our society, is to cheat on your spouse, jeopardizing your marriage and family, if you have children. All for what? To feel good. Not attractive options. Especially because this new “in love” euphoria, too, will fade over time. As many people find out in their second and third marriages. It always does. It is biology.

Here is a third option: Polyamory.

Polyamory is many things, but it is not a license to have sex with whomever or whenever you want. Not necessarily. Not unless that is what you and your spouse decide.

Omgrey goes on to give advice for being in the situation of not wanting to cheat on a spouse when finding attraction with another.

I strongly recommend not cheating. It is possible that a committed partner would be willing to negotiate about the involvement of others, such as moving from monogamy to polyamory or some other form of nonmonogamy. I’m not saying it is likely, though. This is why I strongly recommend that people discover who they are before they make what they intend to be a permanent commitment in the first place. Are they suited to marriage? If so, what kind of marriage? Be honest with yourself, and honest with potential partners.

Something else to keep in mind is that even with a great spouse who agrees to a form of nonmonogamy, someone can still be a jerk and a cheater who violates the generous agreement negotiated. But I do believe that having the legal and social freedom to choose a form of nonmonogamy will reduce cheating and divorce in general.

Why Monogamy and Not Polyamory?

guitarpickup asked "Why are you monogamous and/or opposed to polyamory?" What followed was quite an interesting discussion. Go check it out.

Here are some things I noticed...

1. People cite a dislike of a certain thing, but that thing also happens in monogamous relationships, or relationships that are thought by one partner to be monogamous.

2. Some people admit their monogamy was due to jealousy or not wanting to share.

3. Some people say they aren't against exploring polyamory, but they know their current partner wouldn't stay with them if they did.

I am monogamous because my wife prefers it.

I am not opposed to polyamory. It rarely works to everyone's satisfaction, but I see no reason why people shouldn't be allowed to try.

Thank you, ally.

It is an interesting discussion.

The law should allow people to make their own choices, whether living alone, celibate, monogamous, polyamorous, or polygamous, or whatever. They shouldn't have to justify it to others. Just because I support the polygmous freedom to marry does not mean I'm against monogamy; no more than my support for the freedom to same-sex marriage means I'm against heterosexual marriage.

The Freedom to Marry Will Reduce Abuse

Dr. Todd Shackelford, a psychology professor at Oakland University in Rochester, Michigan, stated the obvious for the record on the Canadian trial over the poly freedom to marry. He pointed out that there are abusive monogamous relationships, too. The point, of course, is that some people abuse. Polygamy is not the cause of abuse, abusive people area.

“Polygyny doesn’t have the market cornered in the negative correlates and consequences” in relationships, he told the judge.

Shackelford questioned some of the conclusions about the social harms of polygamy drawn by a witness for the attorney-general of B.C., which wants to uphold the law.

There’s another article reporting the same thing here.

"My overall comment is that Professor Henrich has not provided any direct evidence of statistic comparisons of the risks for these various negative outcomes in polygynous marriages, as compared to monogamous marriages," said Shackelford.

Thank you, Dr. Shackelford.

B.C. government lawyer Craig Jones suggested it's irrelevant whether abuse also occurs in monogamous relationships. Rather, he said, the real issue is whether it occurs more in polygamy.

Let’s assume that it does. We have several examples showing that outlawing consensual behavior correlates to an increase in problems as people try to avoid law enforcement and other authorities. The right to polygamous marriage will most certainly reduce abuse, as victims can go to the authorities with much less fear. So if there is more abuse in poly marriages, and I haven’t seen evidence of that, then the solution isn’t the status quo, it is in making the relationships official, and prosecuting abusers. Victims will be much more forthcoming.

Making It Work

Joseph at Escape to Polygamy notes the increasing awareness of poly people and talks about “The Brutal, Honest, and Unforgiving Truth.”

[Years ago] of course the media would focus hard on any negative they could find (and rightly so). Yet the negatives they could find were the exact same abuses that occur without bounds in "monogamous" relationships.

Agreed. A criticism of polyamory by someone promoting monogamy should never cite something in polyamorous relationships that is commonly found in relatioships with people who profess to be monogamous.

Today, the media is switching positions and there are many articles and reports in favour of adult, consensual polygamous relationships, which is a great thing.

Yes it is.

Yet there is still a silly, yet disturbing, propaganda being spread by both those who claim to be supporters of the poly lifestyle and those who claim to be living it, as well as warnings against living it by those who are in opposition.

A well meaning group trying to warn others considering this lifestyle, that it is not all a bed of roses. And this is of course true. But once again, the focus is on the polygamous lifestyle, as if it were any different from the "monogamous" lifestyle is absurd. The same personality quirks exist in polygamous unions, as they do in all other areas of life.

Some of the Brutal, Honest, and Unforgiving truths that are being touted are things like jealousy, coveting, control, territory, bullying, dominance, abuse, legal spouse, legal ownership, life insurance, medical care, etc, etc. These are just some of the "brutal truths" that we are warned against in polygamous unions.

These do sound a lot like the issues faced in monogamous relationships. They might pop up in any relationship.

As adults we enter the workforce, or marry, and still need to get along and work things out in our own circle of influence. This is no different in a polygamous union. If there is a jealousy issue, then work it out. Stop being a prissy little brat.

Read the whole thing for a lot of practical advice.

Lesbian Compares Her Past Monogamy to Current Poly

Sometimes, you can find some good perspectives at the Experience Project. PeggyO, who is in her late 40s, shared why she is glad she discovered polyamory and why she enjoys it. She’s a lesbian who had experienced long-term monogamy in a marriage relationship before discovering she is poly. I have not removed her typing errors.

Single now for a little over two years - I am suprised and rather shocked at my own desires to seek polyamorous relationships. I have read some books - agree with certain points made. A strong argument is the could you only love one child if you had more than one? no! you would love each one and accept them for who they are. I have always been one - who has had a wide variety of friends - good friends, I value my freindships and actually each one of those is a sort of relationship of thier own. This is especially true in the lesbian world where our friendships bonding can be quite close. So - I make connections and let them unfold as they do at a natural pace, and should it become sexual and the feelings are mutual - I invite that into my life.

She found seeking monogamy to be confining and something that brought her loneliness.

I just seems - when I was living the "monogomous" life - unless for me to cross "that" line and become intimate with another - I had to have all my ducts lined up perfect with THIS person - they must show that they are THE one - the perfect one to allow to bring myself into a "relationship" the thing is - with this thinking - you end up doing a whole lot of eleminating and much more time being lonely- but that "perfect" one could be around the corner.......

As you’ll find with many poly people and anyone else, she points out that it isn’t just about sex.

At the same time - it is not all about just sex with me - it is about knowing that woman and feeling good about expressing some mutual attractions, careing and sharing - even if our "time" together does not last until all enternity.

It is a good relationship for that time. It may not always be. She is selective…

I still look for women of character - when deciding to become intimate - so as to give myself some feeling of grounding and trust building. I am actually rather selective on who I choose to become intimate with. I do however feel very strongly - I would not wish to be required to "drop" one of my other intimate connections - so as to make any new one I make feel "safe and secure"

She gives a good explanation of why polyamory is what she needs…

Mono and Poly, it it like comparing apples to oranges. I loved my apples for a long time - I just now am enjoying oranges. This is even a better comparison. I have this unique opportunity do my having flight benefits - I live in two different areas / states - have for nine years - I live in the beautiful Cascade mountains of the Pacific Northwest for part of the week and then in a beautiful metropolis city during the other part of the week. So - everyone love to ask me - which is better to live? The mountains or the city? they almost insist it has to be either / or. I say Both! each area as their good side to it and also their bad side. I am just lucky that I get an opportunity to experience BOTH - experience and live it - in THIS I find true happiness :)

She should have equal rights, so that she can pursue happiness.

Polygamy, Monogamy, Freedom, AIDS

Zulu monarch King Zwelithini kaBhekuzulu and South African President Jacob Zuma both practice polygyny, and there was some tension recently (see here and here) over statements made by a group that is advocating monogamy as part of their larger effort to fight the spread of HIV/AIDS.

There are a few things I wanted to say about this.

I believe in the freedom of speech. I recognize that some countries have more restrictions on speech than others, but ideally, people should be free to speak their minds. I try not to make blanket criticisms of monogamy as a personal choice, though I should have that freedom, too. If someone wants to criticize polygamy, they should be able to do so, as long as they don’t try to deny anyone their freedom to marry.

This freedom to marry doesn’t just mean the freedom to polygamy. It means the freedom to monogamy, or the freedom not to marry at all. Full marriage equality includes the freedoms to marry the consenting person or persons of your choice, or not to marry at all.

I support fighting the spread of HIV/AIDS. Neither polygamy nor polyamory spread HIV/AIDS. The disease may be spread when an infected person has unprotected sex with someone who wasn’t previously infected. It doesn’t matter if they are monogamous or poly. Ten people could regularly have sex with each other, and if none of them are HIV+, none of the others will become HIV+. Do not blame those who are poly for what is done by cheaters, liars, and those who choose to be ignorant of their HIV status. Don’t take that misplaced blame and use it to deny this freedom to marry, or give someone a false sense of security because they are in monogamous relationship. A monogamous relationship with someone who is HIV+ brinks risk of contracting HIV.

Serial Monogamy or Polyamory: Do What is Best

Deborah Anapol, Ph.D has an excellent blog posting (and an upcoming book.) The blog posting is well worth reading, and if it is any indication, the book will be, too.

So the question is not so much whether to love more than one, but whether it works better to have multiple partners sequentially or at the same time. There are definitely some people who are far better off taking it one at a time, and there are some situations which call out for other possibilities. I'm continually amazed both by the ingenuity, courage, and vulnerability of people who have made their own bodies and hearts the center for an inquiry into the true nature of love and by the persistent self-deception, lack of integrity, and callousness others justify by calling what they are doing polyamory.

While many people define polyamory as the practice of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with everyone's full knowledge and consent, I see it differently. To me polyamory is a philosophy of loving that asks us to surrender to love. Polyamory leads us to ask, "What is the most loving and authentic way I can be present with these people and with myself at this time?"

The answer to this question may not always be obvious, and it may change over time, but the asking of it, and the willingness to consider answers we may not want to hear, is the whole point of polyamory. Most of us would rather surrender to our cultural conditioning, to our emotional discomfort, peer pressure, social censure, lust, convenience, or a partner's demands than to the unvarnished truth about what would contribute the most to the well being of everyone involved.

I couldn’t have put it better myself. Everyone should be free to love the way that suits them. Honesty with yourself and others, and respecting yourself and others, is important to happiness. You can have bad monogamy and good monogamy. The same goes for polyamory.