When the Surrogate or Donor is Family

An anonymous comment alerted me to this article (thank you) about intrafamilial medically assisted reproduction (IMAR). It discusses a position paper published 20 January 2011 by the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology (ESHRE). The context framing this is when unrelated spouses use a close relative of one of the spouses to assist in reproduction, but the issues are also relevant to those involved in consanguineous spousal relationships (such as, say, first cousins or a mother and son or a sister and brother) who want to have children.

The group advises to evaluate each request for IMAR individually, based on four ethical principles in health care: the respect for autonomy, beneficence and non-maleficence and justice.

That sounds reasonable.

The Task Force explains that the right for individual autonomy is elementary: any individual should have the principle of choice with whom to reproduce. It is understandable that couples wish to preserve some sort of genetic identity with the child, and hence may wish to choose a donor in the family.

I personally know a lesbian couple who had used sperm from a brother of one of the women. It is fairly common for same-sex couples or heterosexual couples experiencing infertility to involve a close relative in some way, whether as a surrogate mother, sperm donor, egg donor, or embryo donor.

In some countries IMAR is illegal and the relevant laws against incest and consanguinity apply to protect the offspring from genetic risks and to avoid possible social disruptions and conflicts.

Ridiculous. How about using genetic testing to avoid risks?

According to the principle of justice, doctors should treat similar cases in the same way. So if sister-to-sister oocyte donation is accepted so should brother-to-brother sperm donation.

This is fair.

The paper gives special attention to (rare) cases of consanguineous IMAR, involving the mixing of gametes of persons that are genetically closely related. "The Task Force considers consanguineous IMAR between up to third degree relatives as acceptable in principle, subject to additional counseling and risk-reduction," says Professor Guido de Wert, coordinator of the ESHRE Task Force. "Here, genetic counseling is appropriate to assess the increased risk of conceiving a child affected by a serious recessive disease."

With genetic counseling, there shouldn’t be any restriction on degree.

First-degree intergenerational IMAR needs special scrutiny, also in view of the increased risk of undermining autonomous choice. First- and second degree consanguineous IMAR is at odds with the spirit of anti-consanguinity and anti-incest legislation in most countries and should not be offered.

The laws should be changed.

In any general population the risk of having a child with a handicap or a major disease is 3%. In third degree consanguinity [such as between cousins], the risk is estimated to be around 5-6%. If the applicant and the intended collaborator carry the same disease, there is a 25% risk of conceiving a child affected with that particular condition.

I encourage anyone, even if they don’t believe they are closely related, to get tested before making children, and that would include testing any donated sperm or egg. Isn’t it good to know the risks ahead of time so that an informed decision can be made? Close relatives can and have had healthy babies together, but it is good to know the possibilities? You don’t have to get tested as a pair. You can get individual tests.

More About West Virginia Incest Case

This article gives more information about this case.

A Rand man pleaded guilty to incest in Kanawha Circuit Court, admitting he had sex with his daughter, subsequently impregnating her.

Larry William Darby, 41, told Judge James Stucky, "I had sex with my daughter and we had a baby."

Darby said the girl was 19 when the sexual act occurred between them last year at their home in Rand.

He said? Isn’t this verifiable by doing simple math?

When asked how many children he had, Darby replied he had four -- aged 21, 20, 16 and a newborn.

Asked if he was married, Darby replied that he would be divorced as of Tuesday.

Darby also pleaded guilty to sexual abuse by a parent, guardian or person in a position of trust. That charge pertains to his 16-year-old stepdaughter, whose breasts he touched when she was 14 years old.

It is any wonder his marriage is ending?

In exchange for his guilty plea, prosecutors will not seek an enhanced sentence based on Darby's past felony record, which involves sexual abuse charges in Indiana.

Stucky will sentence Darby Jan. 12. He faces a possible five- to 15-year prison sentence on the incest charge and a 10- to 20-year prison sentence on the sexual abuse charge.

He should be locked up for a long time for anything he’s done to a minor. There should be no charge for any consensual sex involving adults. If he forced himself on an adult, he should be charged for rape or sexual assault for that.

Prison Sentence in West Virginia Incest Case

Most news sources hide the identity of sex crime victims. Most news sources hide the identity of minor victims. We're never given the age of the supposed victim in this case. Overall, I find this coverage of the story to be deficient.

A father got his daughter pregnant, and she had the baby.

Larry Darby was sentenced to 15 to 35 years in jail for incest and sexual assault by a parent.

He was sentenced for "incest and sexual assault." Was the victim underage? Or was she an adult who consented. If she was an adult, the sexual assault charge would indicate she did not consent. Either the incest charge was superfluous, or there were consensual encounters that were incestuous, but did not fall under the sexual assault category. I wish we had clarification.

"I don't ever want to lie to my child," Aleena Jones said. "I'm scared to tell him the truth because I don't want him to hate me for what happened."

If she was coerced, she had nothing for which to apologize.

This is where we get some indication that there is more to this than consensual sex between adults (which should not be a crime at all):

The family says this isn't the first time he has had sexual contact with young girls.

"He was glaring at me the whole time I was up on the stand," Jones said. "It just made me feel even nastier."

The family says he's fondled another victim and has served time for it.

"My second daughter was involved in all of this, too, and he tried to do stuff to her, too," Kimberly Jones said.

"Young girls" would indicate minors to me. But we're never given ages for any of the girls.

Now, Darby will spend more than a decade in a cell, but with the possibility of parole.

"I'm not willing to take a chance on these types of people who engage in these types of crimes," Prosecutor Mark Plants said.

If Darby gets out, he will have to spend the next 50 years on supervised release.

It is bad enough the law isn't more precise when it comes to consenting adults vs. an adult preying on a minor, lumping both together as "incest." But the media does this as well. There should be more clarity in reporting. If this woman is a victim, her name should not have been published.

An Inconsistency in the Law?

This blogger, who is no friend of marriage equality, had an interest in Will Saletan’s writing on the David Epstein case.

Hey Will, can you do an article on the procreation rights of fathers and daughters, as opposed to the naked/orgasm/screwing rights? (Well, perhaps you could look at those three separately too, since they are rather different.) For instance, would it be a crime for a daughter to impregnate herself with a vial of her father's sperm? Is it something we have to allow a father and daughter to do, if they wants to?

If I recall correctly, many states do not outlaw this, and it was used as a defense in at least one case in which in which a woman (or perhaps girl) was pregnant, perhaps by a stepfather. Pregnancy was no proof that they had actually had sex, and the laws were against the sexual contact, not conceiving together. Any state that does not have a law against two people conceiving together should not be able to use the “inbreeding causes birth defects” argument to keep consensual consanguineous sex illegal.

What About the Children?

Abdullah asked a very common question…

How likely is it that brother-sister incest will produce a healthy child?

Taking the question exactly as it is written, a very small percentage of sexual encounters result in a live birth. Only sexual encounters that result in a healthy sperm entering a healthy egg and fertilizing it, followed by successful implantation in the uterus, followed by gestation until viability will produce a healthy child. (This is leaving aside reproductive technologies, donors, and surrugotes.)

But I suspect that the question the person was really asking is that if a brother and sister have a pregnancy that comes to term and is successfully delivered, what are the chances of the child being healthy?

Most likely, with any given brother and sister, the child will be healthy. With any birth, there is a chance of the child having a birth defect or genetic problem. All it takes is for a genetic problem of one or both parents being passed along, or a the embryo developing one on her own. If two people have the same genetic problem, as siblings may, there is an increase in the chance that their child will have the same problem in comparison to the general population. However, that increase in chance will still mean that the overall chance is a minority chance.

Anyone concerned about these things should have genetic testing and counseling. People who are not close relatives can pass along health problems.

We do not deny people the freedom to marry based on their lack of ability to birth healthy children or lack of intention to birth children. We do not make criminals out of them based on those things, either.

A Happy Couple That Deserves Equality

In the courtrooms and in public debate, we hear over and over again that when it comes to sex and relationships, consenting adults should be allowed to their sexuality and relationships. The bigotry against LGBT people has been largely driven off by this simple recognition of basic rights. Unfortunately, there is still much more bigotry and even prosecution against people who love more than one person, or love someone who is their cousin or closer relative.

Real people in loving relationships, people you may see every day, people who pay their taxes and work and don’t hurt anyone, are hurt by these archaic laws and lingering prejudices.

Liz and Ryan are a loving couple, living as husband and wife. They aren’t legally married because they can’t get legally married. In most places in the US, they could be prosecuted for having taken their relationship in a new direction. Why are they denied marriage equality? Because Liz and Ryan are brother and sister.

Some people recoil at that idea. Hopefully, not my regular readers. But people recoil at the idea various legal marriages and other relationships that aren’t criminalized. There have been heterosexual, nonconsanguineous couples where the thought of them being intimate has unsettled my stomach a bit. But I would never try to stop them. Why doesn’t the law support Liz and Ryan’s marriage?

If you recoil at the idea of them being married, as various siblings have been throughout history, please allow yourself to put aside your reaction for a moment and think through this logically. Read Liz’s account of her relationship with Ryan, and ask yourself what logical reason there is to deny these consenting adults their right to love, sex, and marriage. You don’t have to like what they’re doing, just recognize that people should have their rights, even if you don’t like the way they use those rights.

Liz wrote to me about Ryan…

All my life I looked up to him, and he's always been there for me. He's been the best big brother a girl could have, and we became very close. When we’d watch TV, he’d sometimes put his arm around me and I would rest my head on him.

Some siblings are horrible to each other. The world would be a better place if more siblings were like Ryan and Liz.

Ryan developed an attraction to Liz, but agonized over telling her.

He didn't know how to tell me, he didn't want to scare me or hurt our relationship. I could tell something was bothering him and finally one day we talked about it. It was difficult, but he told me how he felt. I was surprised, of course, but I also felt excited. I saw him in a new light, and realized how cute he really was.

During that talk, he kissed me once, on the lips. I felt something, like a spark almost, when he did. It only lasted a couple seconds but it excited me. Our relationship became even closer after that.

Before we took things further we did talk about it. He was very patient, and wanted to make sure I was comfortable with what we were doing. We started to become sexual with each other, but we took things slowly…He was patient and gentle, and eventually we became lovers. It was over a period of months from that first kiss to finally having regular intercourse. He didn’t rush me into it, though I know he was eager to do it. He told me that he never felt truly happy with any of his old girlfriends; it was me that made him happy. He told me just being around me made him feel good. You have no idea how special I felt when he told me that.

It developed like so many other sexual relationships.

It was a natural progression. We started with holding, rubbing and touching with clothes on at first, then later shirts off, and so on. He guided me but we went at my pace. We can usually tell how the other is feeling, so sometimes we didn't need to talk. He made sure to ask if I was okay with bigger steps, like trying oral sex and intercourse.

But there was an added depth to the relationship, too.

When we were touching each other, especially when nude, I knew we were getting into something very special and exciting. Of course I was nervous too, but Ryan got me through it. I never once felt taken advantage of.

My first time with him is something I will never forget. I don't think it could have been any better…We realized we truly belonged together, and promised to always be together.

This is a loving couple. This is not an abusive situation, or one where one person is using another, or a passing event by two people who just needed a release. They are a “typical” loving couple living in what is a marriage in all but law.

Today we live in our own place. Our neighbors think we're a happily married couple. When Ryan comes home from work, we get dinner ready and enjoy it, sit together and talk, watch TV, cuddle, until he has to go to bed to rest up for work tomorrow. He's off on weekends so we have lots of fun then. We might go out, see friends or our parents, or just stay in and enjoy each other. We are more accepting of others into things that aren't mainstream, but we are monogamous and our sex, while enhanced by our bond and love for each other, is otherwise what most people would consider normal sex. I think anyone seeing us in a restaurant or shopping would see a happy couple.

And yet, there are people who, after seeing them as this couple in love and perhaps admiring them, would turn around and deny them that happiness if they knew that they were siblings.

Over time there were these thoughts I had that what we were doing was considered wrong. I mean, that's the whole reason we had to hide it from others, right? Anyway, I didn't let that stop us, but still it bothered me. That's when I started reaching out to find others like us. I read about incest and incest couples online, checked out various forums, and finally started chatting with other people. It was those chats that finally eased my mind. I found others like us, and it turned out there were a lot more than I thought I'd find….I felt good knowing there was so many, I didn't feel like we were alone anymore.

But what about their parents?

It was hard hiding our relationship from others, including our parents, but we managed it. Our parents do know about us now.

We knew we couldn't hide it from our parents forever. We didn't want to hide it, but we were nervous about talking about it with them. However, they figured out something was going on before we told them. Looking back, I'm not surprised. We spent lots of time together and they knew we weren't seeing other people on a serious level. Plus they could just tell there was something between us. When we said we wanted to share a place, saving money was our excuse, but they knew it was time to confront us. So we had a long talk. A lot was said, but luckily they didn't get angry. They finally said we could live the way we wanted if it was that important to us. It took time, but they have come to accept us.

It can be tough for parents to accept the sexuality and relationships of their children, no matter how old and independent their children are. Thankfully, Liz and Ryan’s parents showed acceptance. Nobody should have to hide their love if they aren’t cheating.

I think the fact that they're going to become grandparents helped them to accept us being together as a couple. We're expecting our first child, a daughter, and I couldn't be happier with my life. Having a child was a big decision for us, but I know we'll be great parents.

This is where some people cry foul. But many children have been born to couples like Liz and Ryan and are as healthy as any other child. Liz’s doctor says everything is fine with the baby and hasn’t detected problems.

Marriage seems to have some benefit to children, and it is an injustice that Liz and Ryan do not have the freedom to marry. It would benefit their child.

Of course I would marry my brother if I could. We want to spend our lives together, raise children together. And I know it’s not just us that wishes society would accept this kind of relationship. I've talked to many other people, and I know there are many incest couples that wish they didn't have to hide either. True love should never have to be hidden, it should be celebrated.

Agreed! So Liz has reached out to others because she wants to help them the way she was helped by others.

When I share my story, I always hope it inspires others to be like us, people who love family but haven't yet taken the big step. I would love if people contacted me about it or if they wanted help with their own situations.

So what is her general advice?

I would first tell someone who has such feelings for a sibling to think about it, really think things over. There is a lot to consider when trying to start a sexual relationship with a sibling. First off, your sibling may not share your feelings, and may even be upset by them. This could hurt your existing relationship with him/her. Second, if you and your sibling do start a relationship, the rest of the family may not approve. You will have to think about what to do if that happens. You may end up cut-off from the rest of the family. Third, there is the law to consider. In almost every state you could be punished for being in a sexual relationship with your sibling. Personally I think that is ridiculous, but it is something to be concerned about.

See this map.

If after thinking it over you decide to go through with it anyway, then what you should do is pretty much the same thing you would do when you are interested in anyone else. Try to spend time together, do things together, go out to dinner or the movies, things like that. You will have an advantage since you will already know much about your sibling so you will know what he/she likes and doesn't like. It may be hard to first overcome that feeling that you’re doing something wrong when things become sexual, but just relax and know that its ok. Consensual incest is not wrong, despite what others may say. Once things do become sexual you will find it is an incredible experience.

Sibling couples do have advantages and better relationships, in my opinion. Siblings typically know each other well, and care for each other deeply. They help each other, see each other through rough times, and are always there when needed. When the relationship becomes sexual, this means it is a closer and better relationship. The lovemaking is intense, very intense. There really is nothing like it. When the relationship goes on long enough, a very strong bond forms, linking the siblings together always.

Thank you, Liz, for sharing your story. Best wishes on a long and happy marriage and healthy children.

You can contact Liz Smith at blond_one89 [at] ymail [dot] com

If you want me to tell your story, dear reader, I can do so without using your name or e-mail address. Just write me at fullmarriageequality [at] yahoo [dot] com.

Ostracism Hurts

The translation of this tragic news item is somewhat rough, but it appears that it is a story of a desperate Nigerian teen mother who murdered her infant after being rejected by her family. She was apparently in love with a relative who is not independently established, and conceived the child through consensual sex within that relationship.

I do not excuse her actions in killing her child, but perhaps she could have been prevented from murdering the child with a little more understanding and assistance. Linda was once a scared, pregnant teen, and she says she doesn’t know how she would have made it without support from family. She also says adopting Matthew out and losing custody of Melissa were painful and that she ached for them; she can’t imagine murdering her own child. The teen in this article must have been disturbed or very desperate.

We need support for expectant mothers and mothers with newborns, especially teens, and should not ostracize the teens for being in love with a relative. Imagine the difference that could have been made if her family had surrounded her and the baby's father with love and support.

Persecuted Love in Zimbabwe

Adult siblings in Zimbabwe are being persecuted for their consensual relationship.

Yeukai Semeni Nyamhanza (23) and his sister Rumbidzai (19) — who is now five months pregnant — are performing community service at Dotito Clinic and Kadohwata Primary School respectively.

That is her brother’s child she is expecting.

They are staying with an uncle in Dotito following the death of their father while their mother is in Guruve.

They have already lost family. They are relying on each other.

"It was on Christmas Eve when I proposed love to her. The two of us were in the kitchen hut chatting when I suddenly decided to propose love to her. I just told her I loved her and she accepted my proposal," Yeukai said.

What could be more beautiful? Love blossoming on Christmas Eve.

Asked if he was going to call the baby his son/daughter or nephew/niece, Yeukai could not answer.

"Inga ndataura wani? Ndinzwirei tsitsi varume ndiri kupazama nayo nyaya iyi. (Haven’t I told you enough? Feel pity for me, I am tormented)," he said.

Yeukai said his uncle was furious when he found out what was happening.

"He said the whole family was now a disgrace in the community. Truly, I do not understand how I ended myself in this mess," he said.

It is too bad that others can’t be supportive and that anyone would be made to feel lesser because of the person they love. Wouldn’t the best thing for everyone involved, especially the child, be to celebrate their love and support them in marriage? Superstition should not hold back the freedom to marry.

Oppression in Zimbabwe

The Herald reports from Zimbabwe that two consenting adults were convicted of a crime for loving each other.

A Mt Darwin brother and sister were last week ordered to perform 260 hours of community service after engaging in an incestuous relationship that culminated in a pregnancy.

Yeukai Semene (23) and his sister Rumbidzai Nyamhanza (19) were found guilty of having sexual intercourse "within a prohibited degree of relationship".

That should not be a crime.

The two were sentenced to 12 months in jail, but four months were suspended on condition that they do not commit a similar offence within the next five years.

The other eight months were suspended on condition that the pair completes 260 hours of community service at Dotito Clinic and Kadohwata Primary School.

It turns out they are half-siblings and first cousins.

Their mothers are biological sisters who were married to a bigamist.

Their family turned them in. So I guess bigamy involving two sisters is okay by them, but love between half-siblings is not? Love is love. Enough with the bigotry.