An Aunt and Nephew Ponder Coming Out

Someone reached out for help on Answerpress.com in dealing with a family issue.

What is the best way to tell the family that me and my Dad’s youngest sister are dating?

She was a late child, she’s 27, I am 24. We are dating for a few months now, and decided to tell the family soon, you can’t keep it a secret forever. What is the best way to tell the family(especially my Dad) about this?

Most of the responses were not helpful. In addition to that old stand-by of prejudice, “ew,” there was:

You do know that this is called incest don’t you there is no way that your family will accept this

You are dating your aunt? Stop seeing her and find someone else who is not related.

wow… she must be really dumb to date a nephew

Unless you left out part of the story that is incest. Incest is bad. There is no good way to tell them without someone getting upset.

you DON’t date her. She’s your aunt.

So these people know who this person should and shouldn’t love? The people in this relationship are consenting adults, and shouldn’t be judged by others, who are just like the people who used to say "women don't date women" or "whites don't date Negroes" or that a woman should stand by her abusive husband.

These responses below tried to be helpful, though they were less than supportive:

I’m assuming your Muslim or Mormon (the two religions that kinda don’t include incest). So if you are, try to bring it up as a rhetorical question to your dad. If he reacts negatively then telling him probably won’t be a good idea. Still, it might be wise to find someone else that interests you instead.

And…

Well, even though she’s near your age, might be really hot, and may be the best woman in the world, she’s still your aunt and you’re still blood related, so this isn’t going to go over well no matter how your break it.

I don’t think you should say anything unless you plan on getting married (if that’s legal in Canada). If you two want to get married or live together, that’s your choice, you’re free to do that if you legally can, but technically, it’s still incest. So be prepared for some yelling, screaming, and your family not talking to you for awhile, so think about whether this relationship is really worth that, or if you both should move on to less controversial partners.

This one was the only supportive one:

Honestly, I do not think that there will be any good time to tell this to your family.

What you have to think is, do you see yourself marrying this woman? Is this ‘relationship’ really that good? You need to find out the answer to that.

If the answer is no, you may be able to keep it secret.

If the answer is yes, well you just have to maybe have a family dinner etc. and tell them all then.

Best of luck to you!

This very much like something that so many people go through when bringing home a same-sex partner or someone of a different race. My advice to someone in this situation:

Those around you probably see what’s going on already, even if they haven’t said anything to you. It is important to consider if you are heading for a lasting relationship or if this is mostly something that is for fun and experience. Are both of you ready to settle down? Are you thinking there’s a real possibility you’ll want to settle down with each other? If so, then you do need to discuss it with your family unless you’re willing to move somewhere else and cut off all ties with them. Let your family see how good you are for each other, how much you enjoy being around each other; let them see this is going to strengthen the family, not weaken it. She should be the one to talk with your father about it. She should talk about how happy she is, how much she loves you, how well you treat her, ask for his help and support. If he is rejecting, then you might need to go to your mother and appeal to her sense of protection. Point out that she picked one sibling, and you picked another from the same family for some of the same qualities.

They don’t need to like it. They just need to accept it continue loving you.

On the other hand, if you’re likely just together for now, I would let it go unspoken. You can refrain from displays of affection in front of the rest of the family. In some families, that is the norm anyway for all relationships.

Part of the objection to the relationship might be that where you live, the two of you can’t marry. Ask your family for support in changing this, and do some research to find somewhere that you might be able to get legally married if you took a trip there.

A Natural Attraction

The journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin published the results of a study by R. Chris Fraley and Michael J. Marks that has received some almost-mainstream media attention. The study indicates that we are sexually attracted to our close relatives on a physical basis.

From Wired:

In a series of experiments where subjects viewed photographs of their opposite-sex parent or a photo morphed with their own face, researchers found that people are turned on by photographs of people who resemble their close genetic counterparts.

“People appear to be drawn to others who resemble their kin or themselves,” said psychologist R. Chris Fraley of the University of Illinois, lead author of the study published July 20 in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. “It is possible, therefore, as Freud suggested, that incest taboos exist to counter this primitive tendency.”

If we are driven to spread our genes, then wouldn’t it make sense that we’d be attracted to the people who share some of those genes? Or, if my father is genetically predisposed to be attracted to women with a certain look, wouldn’t it be possible that I have those genes, too, and so I’d be attracted to someone who looks like my mother?

It makes sense that there be some natural or social mechanism that mitigates this to prevent young siblings or parents of minor children from doing things that subvert other parental or sibling responsibilities, in addition to most people not being pedophiles. But that mechanism isn’t needed beyond a certain age.

The Huffington Post also mentioned the news.

While rare, some coupled relatives have come out of the woodwork in proof of this theory. In 2008, father and daughter John and Jenny Deaves were featured on 60 Minutes episode about genetic sexual attraction. Not only did the two admit to having an amorous relationship but also to conceiving children together. They live in South Australia.

While it isn't an uncommon experience, only a few people have come out publicly with their accounts of GSA. Most people are afraid to, and for good reason, given how people are currently treated in most places in the world if they come out.

The blog at Discover Magazine also covered the story.

Fortunately, none of this coverage has not been overtly bigoted.

So should there really be laws and social hostility towards something that is natural? Some people strike out against attractions they do not share or do not understand. We see that when it comes to same-sex attraction, and we see it when it comes to this.