Letting go of the past

Have you ever waked up one evening because of a bad dream? A dream that has happened from your past and is still haunting you right at this very moment. Is this dream from your past dramatically affecting your life now?

His father has bitten one of my friends when he was a child. His father was an alcoholic and he would always be one of the victims of his fathers’ indiscriminate anger. His father would always call for a fight and yell at other people. Shattered windows and bad words have been an ordinary day for them after an alcohol session. He would even remember hiding inside the cabinet with his brothers and sisters so as not to be bitten by their father. At a young age he grew up to witness his father hurting their mother and his family, in short they are living in chaos and bitterness.

When my friend got married, he felt happiness and relief. He thought being married to a kindhearted wife would be the solution to his problem. Having a family of his own would remove the hurts in the past that he experienced from his father. One evening my friend confronted me and said he was having nightmares from his past. He would often wake up frightened and finding himself crying and trembling in a corner of their room. He was still caught in bondage of fear from his childhood. My friend confessed that even though he was not drinking alcohol he would sometimes spank his child and say rude things to his wife.

I advised my friend to start forgiving and letting go of the past. It was not that easy for a start because anger and bitterness have been rooted since his childhood. It has to be a choice and a decision in his part. He is still undergoing the healing process not only for himself but also primarily for his family.

In marriage, your spouse past not only affects him, it affects your children as well. The past should not be a place where we live, but something from which we learn. One of my favorite authors Stormie Omartian said, “God is a redeemer and a restorer. We need to allow Him to be both. He can redeem the past and restore what was lost. We can never move out of the present onto the future of what God has for us if we cling to and live in the past.”

Letting go of the past always starts with forgiveness, it is always a decision you have to make. Do not let your past affect your present and future life. If there are hurts that have been done in the past start pouring forgiveness into your heart so bitterness and anger would not prevail. Treat your past as a history to learn from it and not as a guide to your daily life.

Forgiveness and restoration

A couple entering marriage with childhood loads with them is normal. But doing the same mistakes like how your parents treated you to your children or letting your past anger be the thorn in your marriage is a huge problem. I have been a slave of indiscriminate anger and pointing my fingers and putting the blame to my parents didn’t help at all. It is a complete NO because it will only deepen your bitterness towards them and your children and your husband will be the target victim of your outburst anger.

My spouse confronted me with this situation and I discovered that the one thing that was lacking in my entire childhood is communication. My anger grew and grew because I kept it to myself. I didn’t share my problems to anybody, I often lock myself in my room and I didn’t have any person to listen to my troubles. If you feel you can’t open up to your husband at least find a trusted friend who can be a good listener.

To avoid making the same mistakes committed by your parents, you need to do the process of forgiveness and restoration. Forgiveness is a decision you have to make. It is a process and it doesn’t take overnight to undo everything. Embracing my mother more often and telling her that I love her personally is the hardest thing to do but the most important step to start your healing process.

Accepting to yourself that it has already been done and finished is the second step. Let go of the past because you can’t change it anymore. It will remain as a memory that needs not to be affecting your future. Forget and leave the bad memories behind but treasure the good memories and keep it us a learning tool for your future. Don’t let your past affect your future life for sure you will be the looser in the end! Break your bondage from your past memories. Try focusing on your present life and making your family a priority rather than harboring your anger and loosing the love of your family in the end.

I decided to let go of my hatred and set my eyes on loving my children and my partner. It was not an easy process but taking the first step can lead to a race to the finish line which is forgiveness and restoration. Don’t let those past memories ruin your future as I have always said to myself I love my family and I won’t let anybody or anything even try to destroy my family. If you are hurting now it’s time to Let Go my friend and accept the gradual changes in your life!

Marriage Childhood loads testimony

In my previous article marriage childhood loads I discussed about the common family scenes that a couple should look into. It is very important that couples should be conscious and sensitive to the influence of their childhood loads before getting married. Without your knowledge you can be passing the mistakes that your parents have done to your own family.

I learned in my own marriage how damaging ruthless anger can be. I was a product of verbal and slight physical child abuse when I was a kid. My mom went abroad for a short time so she had savings and she invested it in business. My agony started when I was nine years old and my parents was in debt because they have been swindled and deceived by people. I can’t also blame my mom she was depressed because her savings was gone and being the only child I became the “shock absorber” in our family.

I remember waking up and she would hit me many times with a broom stick when I didn’t wake up early for school. I would try to cover my face with my arms and hand because my mom wants to hit my face so my arms as my shield got most of the beatings. I went to our school and almost everyday crying and with pain in my arms. I would remember looking outside the window of our school service always so my schoolmates won’t notice my teary eyes. I was not a perfect person but I could say I am an obedient and responsible child. I had good grades and I never had time with my friends because my parents didn’t want me to do so. My mom and I had disputes in my teenage years and it was her outlet of yelling and throwing slippers to my face (gladly I’m an expert in my arm shield). She would scold and spank me for simple reasons like spilling a glass of water in our table unintentionally. Even in my teenage years I was not allowed to play outside our house and go out with my friends. My hatred towards my mom grew and grew and I became bitter.

When my parents and I became a Christian things went out well. The whole family attended church and I know it wasn’t right so I tried to hide my hatred towards my mom. But when I got married, the strong negative feelings of hatred were still there and started to pollute my marriage. I started to treat my kids like my mom treated me. I would scold, spank and shout at them even how little there mistake was. I was too strict in implementing house rules and I didn’t want them to play with other kids. It wasn’t until my spouse confronted me about the real issue – my bitterness towards my mom. On my next article you’ll read about my personal breakthroughs and healing steps I did to overcome this issue in our marriage.

Marriage Childhood Loads

In countless ways couples go into their marriage carrying the baggage of childhood and teenage life. Marriage gives couples the opportunity to follow how the right principles of their parents or to set things right to any mistakes they felt their parents have imposed in them. Some couples try every move not to follow their parents’ footsteps in marriage but often couples fall into trap of repeating again the same mistakes with their spouse. “Couples carry loads of problems into their marriage, and many of them unconsciously are out of the methods they were brought up.”

Have you had certain fears of having your own family because you have experienced it yourself, seeing and living in a broken family? Treating and disciplining your child in a rude manner because you have suffered abuse from your parents?

I myself have fallen to this trap but before I’ll give you some tips and lessons in my next article let me first course you through common family scenes that can make you identify what area should be corrected.

· Ruthless Anger – This is the most common issue when marriage couples who grew up in a home where shouting and yelling to each other is a day to day habit often falls to wrestle with anger in their relationship. A normal home for them would be what others say an “emotional mine”, where everyday would be an outburst of anger with no reason. Yelling becomes the usual language of anger and believe me this area is one of the hardest thing to solve. A person being raised in this kind of environment have a hard time trusting, always having an issue or a reason to put up a fight and often struggles to have a rooted emotional link to their partner.

· Childhood Sexual Abuse – A person with this problem usually resurfaces in marriage. They have a hard time trusting their sexual relationship with their partner. It will be a struggle for them to be affectionate and passionate to their mate. When this happens to be your marriage problem it would not be wrong to seek professional help if you need to. It’s cheaper than getting a divorce and suffers the emotional and mental consequences of a broken marriage.

· Competition – Adults who grew up into this competitive environment often treat their mate to be player, a challenger an opponent and not as their partner. Sounds familiar? Unknowingly couples tend to compete in getting their kids attention and love. Comparing financial matters when both couples are working. Winning in every decision made in your relationship happens to be the constant target.

· Flawless or faultless – This person grew up to be adults who fear committing mistakes. They were trained not to make mistakes and ends up to have high expectations from their partner. They often fall into two categories it’s either you be the leader or a follower. A leader that treats his mate like a devotee that must follow his every instruction or someone who lacks confidence to do something because his afraid to commit mistakes.

Experience have shown me that pointing your finger and accusing your parents for your struggles in marriage wouldn’t solve your problem it will only give you bitterness and indiscriminate anger that will totally ruin your marriage. I have been through this and I survived! Read my next articles about my testimony and try to implement the steps. I hope it would give answers to one of your many sought questions.