Columnist Still Clings to Bigotry

Mindelle Jacobs at the Edmonton Sun looks at a polyamorous “V.”

Marilyn, a stay-at-home mother and polygamist has a dilemma. Who to sleep with on Valentine’s Day? Her husband or her boyfriend?

If she was in a triangle that engaged in threesomes instead of a V, the question wouldn’t be there.

Marilyn e-mailed me after reading a recent column I wrote in which I criticized a law professor for urging that polygamy be decriminalized.

Good for her.

“As a mother and wife, I firmly believe in the protection of women and children,” she wrote. “As an individual who identifies as polyamorous … and is involved in a consensual relationship with not only my spouse but also with another man, I strongly disagree with (the ban on polygamy).”

Thank you.

She wondered if I’d like to chat. Well, sure. After all, you don’t (knowingly) meet polygamists every day.

Don’t be so sure. Poly people are your neighbors, your coworkers, and people you pass by every day.

She compares her awakening polyamorous sensibility to someone realizing he or she is gay. “It was a very interesting process coming out to myself,” she says. “I realized something very deep about myself — that this kind of relationship makes sense to me. This is who I am.”

She should have that freedom.

All in their mid-40s, they’d be unremarkable in a crowd. No Playboy Mansion looks. Just middle-aged people with a bizarre lifestyle.

Love is not bizarre. It is strange that some people will call this relationship bizarre, but they wouldn't say the same thing if this woman was cheating on her husband, having a secret affair.

Inexplicably, Jacobs wraps up the column this way…

Sorry, Marilyn. While I can’t imagine the police busting up your polygamous party, I don’t want Canada to be a beacon for the cause. Overall, polygamy causes immense harm to women. Why encourage it?

No proof is given, because there isn’t any that will back up such prejudice. What harm is Marilyn suffering? Why deny freedom and equality to consenting adults?

Barbara Anne Smith is confused as shown in this comment…

IMO Marilyn is lucky, but it isn't a true polygamous relationship. If it was, she may be the main wife, but she would also have several sister wives and be at the beck and call of her so-called husband.

Polygamy is any marriage with more than two spouses. Smith is thinking of a certain form of polygyny, which is a subset of polygamy. If Marilyn considers both men her husbands, then she is in a polyandrous form of polygamy. Either way, it is a polyamorous relationship.

A Coming Out Account

Young single mother Kiwi comes out as lebian and polyamorous after earlier coming out as bisexual.

So I started speaking to a friend of mine who is married with an 8 month old son.To cut to the chase, her marriage is an open marriage on her part, since she is bisexual.

Perhaps “and” would have been better than “since,” beause there are bisexuals who are monogamous and married heterosexuals, gays, and lesbians who are polyamorous or engage in some other form of nonmonogamy. But I’m sure Kiwi didn’t mean that bisexuality always necessitates an open marriage.

Her husband has no problem with her dating (yes, having an actual emotional/sexual relationship) a girl. If anything, he supports it! And no strings involved, either. So after a while of her and I pondering the subject and opportunities, We decided to give it a go. This type of relationship is referred to as Polyamory…In a nutshell, she is a married woman with a girlfriend at the same time. No secrets in either relationship.

Kiwi can see the relationship lasting. Shouldn’t they be able to make it official, if that is what they want?

Then came coming out..and telling a select few family members about my relationship. Coming out went well. No negative comments (Yes, I did it through facebook. It was a quick, easy way to tell a lot of people at once) and a few people weren't surprised in the least.

Telling my family about my girlfriend didn't go nearly as well.

You can go read what she wrote about that.

Best wishes to Kiwi on her life as an out polyamorous lesbian.

Lasting Polyamory

Scarlet asked for opinions on polyamory. She got a good answer from Chances6...

I've been in a committed, triad polyamorous relationship for 17 years now. It's not at all that I have two "wives." It's more correct to say my wife has a husband and a wife.

It's certainly not for everyone (but then, neither is a monogamous relationship!), but we've all found it to be really wonderful and fulfilling and healthy and comforting.

17 years. That's longer than so many monogamous marriages these days. Shouldn't these people have the freedom to marry?

Sex, Love, and Relationships

Natja's Natterings provides this good word...

As emotionally confusing it is when someone rejects the political/social labels of ‘Bisexual, sexually fluid, queer or pansexual’ whether this decision is made because of ingrained self hatred, strict religious codes in their community or fear of homophobia by ‘coming out’ there something a bit worse than not accepting who or what you are, this is about not recognising the limits to your sexuality and how it might effect others around you.

Our laws should allow people to be true to themselves as long as the innocent aren't harmed. That is the only way they can be true to others.

Read the entire thing, which is mostly about being sexually polyamorous in a triad, but not necessarily having both partners maintaining a relationship with the unicorn.

A Happy Triad That Deserves Equality

I'd added another page. The triad who inspired this blog let me interview them.

Triad Featured in the News

This article in an Australian news source says “three is the new two” as it profiles a three people in a polyamorous relationship, using pseudonyms.

Mari (a 33-year-old student doing her second degree), Sara (a 32-year-old uni lecturer) and David (a 35-year-old IT geek) have been a sexually monogamous, three-way unit for six years.

They are not religious, they're not cult members and they're not even that into group sex.

They just happened to all fall in love with each other at roughly the same time.

For the most part, the Brisbane trio have kept the details of their polyamorous private life to themselves. But they are slowly coming out of the closet now.

Good for them. I hope they find acceptance.

Telling people about their super-sized relationship is complicated by a lack of unloaded language options. Threesome sounds too sexy and there is no triplicate version of the word couple.

Triad.

Polyamory, also known as ethical non-monogamy, is billed by many activists as the new gay; the next sexual revolution. It's separate from swinging, in that (as the Latin root suggests) emotion is involved. Its also very different to religious polygamy such as that portrayed on the HBO TV show Big Love.

In short: more than two people, more than just sex, God optional.

Books, blogs and academic research into the practice are all rising, as is the predictable outrage from traditionalists and even from some non-traditionalists who say the trend muddies the gay marriage debate.

Muddies? It’s great that more people are getting the freedom to marry, but we need full marriage equality. If consenting adults should be allowed to marry, why carve out a denial of that right when it comes to polamory, which is as ancient as people (or some other animals)? If Mari can marry Sara, or she can marry David, why can’t she marry both at the same time? It is that simple.

The article then goes on to the Canadian trial for a bit before explaining more about the featured family.

A Happy, Functioning Family

Due to the polygamy trial in Canada, news sources are looking to have articles about poly people. The more neutral and positive coverage there is, the better. Here’s an article from the Vancouver Sun on one happy poly family.

Zoe Duff is 50 years old and lives in Victoria in a relationship that she describes as a polyamorous triad.

She has two husbands.

"We are a stable and happy blended family," she says, describing Hawksworth, Weeds, her two youngest children and herself, who all live together.

"Each of the children has his own room. The members of our triad share one very large bed in one bedroom. ... We share all common areas and enjoy family times with the children as well as shared private times."

The household chores are shared and "we have a posted calendar in the kitchen and an online calendar where we keep track of everyone's work and school schedule and events. Dates with outside partners are posted to the online schedule for the adults to note."

The men are heterosexual. They have an open relationship…

Each of the triad members is free to have relationships outside. "These relationships may involve one, two or all three triad members. We generally inform each other of outside dating and seek approval of the others as a consideration."

Duff says they are open to adding others to their triad, "on an equal footing, but do not currently have the space or inclination."

"In general, my partners and I view one another as equals in all sense of rights and responsibility. ... Decisions affecting the family unit are discussed and decided by consensus of the adults with the weight of the final decision being on the person most affected or having been designated to act upon the decision."

She says the polygamy law "places us in a moral dilemma as parents who have raised children to be law-abiding citizens." It has meant their children have had difficult conversations with their friends and friends' parents about their family triad.

We also see this when it comes to same-sex marriage. Spouses and their children have a difficult time explaining to others what a “domestic partner” is. They should be able to be legally married.

Their children "love and respect us as parents and know that our relationship is supportive and loving, but we have trouble explaining why our breaking that law is fine but such things as underage drinking and recreational drug use have never been tolerated in or around our home."

Isn’t it time to end this second-class citizen stuff and let them have the freedom to marry?

Be Clear About Polyamory

I’m not sure what to make of this sex column edition on polyamory, written by Chance Petek. It seems cautiously supportive, but it carries a title “There’s No ‘I’ in Threesome.” While some polycules involve strictly, primarily, or occasionally sexual threesomes, not all polycules involve threesomes in the sense most people use the word. Two of the people involved may never have sex with each other, but they both have sex with the third person. Or, they do have sex with each other but not while they are having sex with the third person, with whom they both have sex at different times. And yes, some involve all three having sex together. And this doesn’t even cover situations where there are four our more people involved (like mine), and neither does the term “threesome.”

So then the idea of polyamory to me is impacting as many lives as I can with my own in a positive light. Between a girl and me, energy can turn sexual or it may not. Polyamory is not a sexual idea. It's an overall relationship idea. The more opportunities you give yourself to be happy with someone, the better your success rate will be.

As for multiple partners at the same time, that is a dangerous walk. In our society, someone practicing polyamory is doing it in secret. We call them "cheaters" and there is a sweet show about them and how low-lifey they are.

Cheating is not polyamory. Polyamory is open and consensual.

However, jealousy can easily rear its ugly head.

Polyamory isn’t for everyone. We do not want to deny anyone their right to monogamy, or celibacy for that matter.

Bisexual and Polyamorous

Alexandra Caldwell, who is bisexual and polyamorous, has written a great piece on polyamory and how it is painted by others, including some in the LGBT community.

While being bisexual, lesbian or gay seem to be slowly gaining acceptance in “mainstream” America, there is one part of my life that still begets misunderstanding or hostility from even those within the LGBT community.

It is a shame when people from a community that has been persecuted stand by and allow others to be persecuted, or even join in the persecution. One example of this is when those seeking same-sex marriage throw people seeking polygamy or consanguineous marriage under the bus.

She writes about her awakening...

I hadn’t thought of people loving more than one person at the same time, everyone knowing about it and being okay with it. But when my husband mentioned it, it seemed both so natural and obvious that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before.

Also, the timing seemed right. I had just figured out that I wanted to kiss girls. Initially, it had seemed I’d only had two choices: I could stay married and try to ignore this new, huge part of me or I could get divorced so I could exclusively pursue relationships with women. All of a sudden there was an appealing option three: I remain married AND I date girls - either together with my husband or separately. For me, the last choice was by far the best option.

Happiness all around instead the misery of fighting and divorce. Isn’t that better?

Polyamory is not spouse-swapping or about casual, fleeting sexual encounters. It is an actual relationship, just like any other romantic relationship, just with more than one person. These relationships take work and commitment, and you have to feed the relationship - all branches of it - just as you have to with any successful relationship. It is not about one-night stands or casual threesomes or swinging.

A polyamorous couple, triad, or quad may or may not engage in those things too.

That I am polyamorous does not mean that I am easy.

Do you see that, bigots?

Polyamory does not threaten monogamous relationships - for either straight, gay, lesbian or bisexual relationships. We in the LGBT community validly argue that our homosexual relationships (and our desire for marriage) do not endanger heterosexual relationships and marriages. They are separate but the same - we all are just two people who love each other and want to share our lives together. The same goes for polyamory - we are just a group of people in various combinations who love each other and want to share our lives together.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Trust and Polyamory

A 24-year-old female named Bachman wrote on Lil’ Rostrum about something with which I am familiar.

In referring to polyamory, she writes…

You have to be safe no matter what's going on. I wouldn't mess with someone I didn't fully know or trust.

This is good advice. Being alone in a sexual situation with someone you don’t know every well can be dangerous, especially if you are not as strong as the other person or people, or you are in an unfamiliar place. The relationship I personally know best involves three people who couldn’t trust each other more. That makes it all the more beautiful. Consanguineous relationships have a special advantage here.

The relationships for a polyamory couple can get very complicated, but there are many groups of poly people that are a 'triad' or consisting of three people. There are many different labels for the many different couplings.

We have been trying to think of a succinct way to fully describe the triad relationship between mother, daughter, and son. Perhaps Polyamorous Consanguine Marriage (PCM) would work?